My Home||Poem

I take a hit off my pipe and sit

and wander

to a different place and time

where things were good

My path is lit by small candles

to take me to my home

My home of peace, solitude, and

a place to be myself

I can’t really be myself in public, right?



Mental Health Update #1

There’s a person we all want to be. Whether you become a stoner or a fitness fanatic, it’s something you worked hard on to become. The person I want to be is happy. To become the person I want to be, I have to do something about my feelings, may as well put them here, right? You guys are always here for me when I need you and you won’t shun me unless I do something REALLY stupid.

With these posts, I will be talking about the big things that affect my mental health each week. These are similar to my life update posts, but these are telling you what mentally happened to me. So, let’s get going, shall we?

1. Boyfriend and I broke up

This happened late last month, actually, but I didn’t want to announce it yet. 

So, if you’ve been following me for a while, my (ex) boyfriend and I had been dating for 5 years. Last August I moved in with him and his family when they moved. After we came back from camping, I was going through some stuff and it came out that he wanted to end the relationship. He said that he still loved me(I kind of don’t believe it), and I obviously still loved him (still do). We had to wait a couple weeks until I found a secure place to move with Bean. Last weekend I moved in with one of my best friends and her parents. He and I are still going to be friends.

Things don’t feel like that though.

Ever since I moved out, he’s been as cold and distant as ever (I expected that so don’t call me a cold-hearted bitch). I know he’s going through some issues, especially with his anxiety. But he won’t even talk to me. He only talks to the rest of our friends, which I get. He doesn’t want to see me because it hurts. But, I can’t tell if he wants to be my friend or not because he doesn’t talk to me. He doesn’t say a word to me. Any time that we had been in a car by ourselves after our breakup. it’s been dead silent.

Another thing related to this, I had a dream a couple days ago that he was already looking around for another girlfriend (which definitely hurt when I woke up) and I had noticed that he and the friend I moved in with talk more than he and I do. That somehow got into my head that they have a thing going on behind my back. I still don’t know what to believe with that.

This is turning into a rant about my ex lol.

2. Depression

This goes hand in hand with my breakup. Ever since he and I broke up, the sad little monkey on my back has returned and has been beating my brain to a pulp. It’s telling me that I will die alone or none of my friends like me, or that my ex wants me to die… Stuff like that. I can’t confirm whether these things are true or not. I don’t think I need antidepressants or therapy because I know that with time, this will heal. It has happened before. When my grandmother died, I was like this. I just need a couple months to heal this pain.


I know these sound very extreme, and my friends will probably be concerned, but none of my offline friends read my blog, so I should be good. I hope this didn’t depress you too much. I’m just going through heartbreak pain, I’ll be okay soon… Hopefully.

If you need anyone to talk to about important topics like these, I’m in the same boat, we could talk.

If you cannot talk to anyone with similar topics above, please do something about it. Write it down, schedule a therapy session, or use Vent. Vent is an app that you vent feelings to. Trust me, you’ll need. Even I use it. Push here to go.

Well, this ends today’s sad depressing talk about my sad depressing life. I hope you have a good day. I’m working on my depression, don’t worry too much. I’m always available to talk if you need it.

Peace out ✌

Legally Driving??|| Life Adventures

Wow, it sure has been a while since I posted one of these Or in general. My life has been kind of crazy lately and I wanted to blog about it. So, let’s start out with the obvious…

I got my license

For not many of you, you could possibly remember my post two years ago saying that I got my permit. That just seems crazy to me. The end of this month will be my blogiversary of 2 years and to think that I got my license before it is pretty exciting. I don’t have a running car yet, so I can’t drive myself until I do, so that means I’ll be hitching rides and walking to places until then lol.

School’s starting up again

You know what that means! More school posts! *cheers* woo! yeah! But on the other hand, I may have to take out loans for school due to the fact that I took too many credits last year and my school has a limit on credits with financial aid. I’m currently trying to get an extension, but we’ll see

I’ll be seeing you in the future


The Big Ones: Poverty Pt. 2

Previously on the last post…

My parents still live in the motorhome, and they both have a job. They just don’t earn enough to save up for an apartment in our area, and my grandpa relies on my dad to him with yard work and stuff on the “farm”.

Since this post is kinda long and I still have more to talk about, I’m going to be breaking it up into two posts.

With this being the second post to me breaking down my mental barriers, I figured I would talk about how I “got over” being poor.

This really doesn’t need to be said but If you are dealing with mental issues, please seek help. There are therapists and counselors waiting for you to be with them.

How I dealt with being poor

That’s just it. I deal with it. I moved out last summer, paid my bills with my paychecks. Got a credit card to build up my credit.

With that credit card, I bought Bean and all her essentials. I paid all of my bills on time (except for when I forgot to pay for my phone service but that’s different).

When I lost my job at the sandwich shop, I had already been looking for a new job with little success. Two or three weeks later, I got my grocery store job (where I’m at now). At the sandwich shop, I got a maximum of 12 hours a week while getting paid every two weeks. It really sucked. With my job now, I’m getting at least 12 hours a week and getting paid every Thursday.

I pay off my credit card payments with my school stipend, but since it’s summer, I pay for it with my paychecks.

How I managed to stay sane during it all

I always had hope in my head. “I’ll get out of this eventually”, and I still keep that thought. I know living paycheck to paycheck is the rest of some people lives, and I hope I’m not one of them. I have so many plans for my future. Blogging, board game creation, web development…

I also had people to lean on when I was upset. I had my boyfriend to comfort me when things were in a really bad spot. Or even to give me money when I needed it. He asked his parents to pay for me to get my permit, and on the 18th, I will have money with me when I go take my driver’s test.

Life isn’t as bad as some people make it out to be, especially when they don’t talk about their home life. 

Poverty is so very hard to deal with, but some people can break out of that spell.

I hope to be one of them.


The Big Ones: Poverty Pt .1

Sorry for the late post, I went on vacation for the holiday! I forgot to schedule it to go up while I was gone, so here I am.

Looking back, I have led a long life just in my short span of 20 years.  Most of my life has been fairly rough. To the point of me maturing early. I know this is a common thing for people nowadays, but some people just have lives like that.

To tackle my nervousness about poverty, I’ll tell you my story.

Being Poor

For as long as I can remember, my family has been paycheck-to-paycheck. I grew up hearing stories from my parents about how they lived in a one bedroom apartment with my sister (3 years older) before I was born. They moved shortly after to a 2 bedroom and then moved to where I grew up. Up until my sister moved out we shared a bedroom. In my hometown, we have lived in a total of 4 apartments (time span at each being as short as 6 months to 5 years). My parents just had bad luck with keeping one place, and they didn’t earn enough to buy a house.

For a long time, my parents worked for the state newspaper (delivering the newspapers at night) and that required them to be gone for most of the night. Well, none of our family were willing to come over and watch us at night, so my parents were forced to take us with them. We slept in the car while the walked around neighborhoods. This gave my sister and I the chance to be almost kidnapped a couple of times(the car was almost stolen those couple of times and the wouldn’t have known we were there).

At that time, they worked that and my mom worked at McDonald’s during the day while my dad sent my sister and me off to school and cleaned. I was outside playing when my mom rode up (doesn’t have her license so she rode her bike) and she had lost her job due to unfairness on her managers part. Apparently, he thought my mom was embezzling from the company. It wasn’t until she got a new job that it came out to be that it was him and his girlfriend, who just so happened to work there with my mom. She applied to another fast food place and worked there until the day it shut down(5 years).

Not too long after my mom lost her job at McDonald’s, my dad got a new job working at a Mercedes Benz dealership. This led to them leaving the state newspaper job for good.

It felt as if things were getting a little easier. My mom began to go back to school, while my dad worked. Until our neighbors overheard something private and we lost our apartment because of them. To this day, I hate her, but she’s a full can of worms that I don’t feel like opening right now lol.

So, they started looking for a new place to live. This also happened to be the point of my sister’s rebellion. She started drinking and smoking pot during middle school, but she told my parents about rape threats and she went to live with my grandma in a town over for the next school year. She came home on weekends. I guess you could blame her for us losing that apartment a couple years in. The next apartment was the biggest. My sister and I shared a room, but half the time she was with her friends, so I was “roommate”-less for a while. I reunited with an old friend, kept my then friends, and made a ton more at this apartment.

We had neighbors move upstairs from us, and they worked during the night, so they asked if we could keep it a little quiet during the day so they could sleep. We said that we would try our best but there were 2 teenagers in the house so it might’ve been a little noisy sometimes. This lady would complain about noise when no one was home and nothing was on. We had a cat who slept most of the time we were gone. The only noises she could have heard was the fridge running, the phone ring, or my hamster running on his wheel.

This was when my mom got her second job at the fast food place. But this was also when my dad lost his job at Mercedes Benz. He was looking for a job, applied, and got an interview for an electronics store, but our neighbor upstairs told management we were noisy, my parents were a little late on rent, so they were taken to court. We had to leave by August 22, 2012. Because my dad didn’t have a job, we had to move into a motorhome in my grandparents front yard. My sister was almost 17 when she moved in with her boyfriend of one year. He was almost 19.

I left these details out but their best friend died and the two of them got together. He graduated in 2011, my parents met him before she moved out and still love him dearly. I love him. Even Gage loves him, he’s good, don’t worry lol.

My parents still live in the motorhome, and they both have a job. They just don’t earn enough to save up for an apartment in our area, and my grandpa relies on my dad to him with yard work and stuff on the “farm”.

Since this post is kinda long and I still have more to talk about, I’m going to be breaking it up into two posts. I don’t know if I’m going to be doing this format with the rest of the series, but we’ll see.

I hope you guys enjoy the rest of the series. Try not to feel bad for what happened in my past, some people have it a lot worse than I did.

Comment what you think down below!


Mental Health: A Priority Unkept|| The Big Ones

The year after I graduated high school, two students (I didn’t know personally) commit suicide. This happens every four or five years and the only thing that the school district did was allow posters around the campus. The students were the ones to take action, with a mental health week, a club, and just talking about it. I have this one memory of my friend handing out bracelets that only said “talk about it”. I hope it was effective for her, considering the fact that she was questioning her gender at the time and also battling her case of lifelong depression.

It seems very important to be the one in charge in any situation or relationship, but sometimes, you need to put your state of mind over anything else.

Your mental health affects your everything. Your life, career… well I could go on.

Let’s talk about mental health. This could mean anything different when compared to a group of people.

I’m not a counselor or a therapist, but I’ve had my fair share and a little more of shit, and I’m ready to talk about it.

Details, details, details.

Now, I’m not going to go into my history too deep in each post, but I’ll say the big ones. You know the big ones. The pitiful reminders that created your negative side. You could think of its cousin, the little voice in your head telling you to jump in a pit of lava.

The big ones are those reminders telling you to stay the same way forever.

Every Tuesday coming forth (until I run out), I will be tackling a Big One, telling readers about how it came and how I recovered. Some of these may still be recurring, where I just can’t escape my past, but I’ll still talk about it.

Most of the will have no trigger warning, except maybe one. My life has not been that extreme.

So, I hope you join me next week for my journey to tackle the Big Ones.


My Summer Looks|| Sailor Caitie

My Summer Looks|| Sailor Caitie

Today’s post is a little different than what you usually see from me. I’ve been wanting to do this for quite some time now, and since I have more time for you, I want to do it. You do get to see my nasty grow out, but I miss my blonde hair so, look at my maroon gross

The theme for this lookbook will be pretty simple, but simple is okay, sometimes.

Here are three outfits that I wear for summer!

Outfit #1

This yellow floral dress I bought when I was with friends and they convinced me to buy. Typically, I don’t wear dresses or skirts. I own them, I like to try them on, just not wear them. With this dress, I wore to finish some important paperwork for work, and I felt like a phoenix rises from ashes. The shoes I have on are flats with a gold bar across the toe


I bought the dress at Ross so I couldn’t tell you where to buy it, but it’s by Derek Heart. The shoes are from Target by A New Day.

Outfit #2

This is what I typically wear when I’m lounging at home, or going out to get takeout or fast food, or if I just need to do some small errands around town. Typically I just wear sweatpants, or baggy pajama pants, a grungy tank top, and old sandals. 201806181234418685380748739183307.jpg

Outfit #3

This is what I consider “me”. I have always worn jeans and tee-shirts. I seem to gravitate towards really cool, nerdy shirts with bootcut jeans. Yeah, I like wearing stylish clothes, but I will always love me a good graphic tee with a pun or a game on it.


I would have loved to tell you the brands of my last two outfits, but I’ve had these clothes for years, to the point of me not having any labels on them anymore lol. I took these photos at my local community park and pond. If you look closely into the 3rd outfit picture, you can see the bench from the 1st outfit picture ^~^

Anyway, I guess I better get going. I gotta work in the afternoon tomorrow and it’s 11:30pm as I finish typing this up lol.

Enjoy the ride!


School Update & My Plans For The Summer

I know it’s been two weeks since you’ve seen a post from me, but oh well. I just need a kick in the butt to get going on my next posts! And that kick should be coming real soon!

I’m done with my first year of college! Considering I will probably only have two, that is pretty good to me. So, that means I get more time to work on the blog, my game, and more.

(That’s not a secret more, I just have stuff to do all of July)

I guess I should now say my plans for the summer and why I’m so busy in July.

This Month (June)

Honestly, I’m probably going to be working for the rest of the month, other than hanging out with friends and lounging at home.

I will hopefully get another post or two out before the end, but I may get lazy.


So, I have 3 major reasons why July is so busy for me.

  1. I’m going to my boyfriend’s grandparents house for the week of 4th of July (Independence Day in US). That means, we’ll hitch our stuff up (& Bean), pick up his aunt from the airport, and go to the neighboring state!
  2. I have my Driver’s License test on the 18th. I doubt I ‘ll pass, but everyone around me seems to disagree. I picked up to driving pretty well and Gage seems to think that I’ll pass.
  3. I’m going to a pirate festival! I’ll be gone the 19th-21st. I literally get the results of my drive test the day before and then we will know if I could drive there or not (probably not because my boyfriend is used to driving, and I kind of scare him).


This is another month of me probably not doing much. Obviously other than working and blogging, I’ll most likely be lounging at home, or with friends.

I know I’ll be getting ready for classes for when they come back in September. I definitely want to keep blogging through these months and working on the game*.

Other than that, I should see you in a couple days or so, have a good rest of your week!

I was featured on Alanna’s blog! She and I had the most delightful interview and I wanted to give her some recognition for having me on! Go on over to her blog and read my interview, follow her too!

press here to go to Allana’s blog and read my interview!


*The site for the game should be coming up soon, I promise

Kickstart My Life pt.1: Exercising

Kickstart My Life pt.1: Exercising

My life has gotten to the point where either I’m at school, at work, or sitting in my room. Some people actually have to nerve to ask me to go places. Man, what if I just want to sit at home and relax, man!

This year has bee somewhat eventful for me. I started learning to drive (my permit expires in August), scheduled my driver’s test, got a new job, and I have committed my career to being a full-time blogger (hopefully).

I’m even getting my plans for moving out with my boyfriend and our best friend ready, so I’ll we’ll have to do is find a place that will accept us and Bean.

As the year goes on, I’ve completed most of my new year’s resolutions, but there’s always one that I have to do.

The one no one likes starting. The one where you have to forfeit your time and sleep for.


I know it’s not a big deal to some, but I’ve been trying to revolutionize my life since I graduated high school- and next month, it’ll be a year.

What have I done to show that I’m a better person now?

I still dress the same (mostly), I still hang out with some of the same people.

This is the one thing that I need to left to kickstart my new life after one year of no high school.

My Actual Diet

I practically eat garbage. I know how to cook easy things (mac and cheese isn’t actually too healthy yall lol), and I drink 1, Dr. Pepper, a day, but I would like to cut it out either entirely or one small can a week. I need more essential food vitamins and etc. so I need to eat more meat, veggies, and fruit. I also have to cut out all of the fast food. So, I must say goodbye to McDonald’s and Dairy Queen.

The Exercise Part


Gage also needs to lose weight, so he’ll be joining in on my diet and exercise. He plans on running (hopefully) every day before work/school.

I’m a noodle of a person so, I want to build all of my muscle.

So, my plan so far:

  • Squats, full and half
  • Use weights of various weights to build my arms
  • Run a half mile- mile
  • Maybe some yoga or pilates
  • Zumba would be really cool to do, too

So, that’s it. That’s what I plan to do in the incoming month(s).

Hopefully, I can stick to it.

I say as I eat Pringles.



I got ko-fi gold! So, if you want to support me and help me with the game’s development, all you have to do is give me a dollar. If you want to go above and beyond, you can even become a monthly subscriber and you’ll be able to see subscriber-exclusive updates on the games I work on.

Head over to my page if you are interested in supporting me!


Why I Chose Board Games Over Books

Books have always been apart of my life. My mom read all of the Harry Potter series to my sister and me.  I’ve always had a bookshelf in my room. I have always loved reading, and I always will. But, I can’t grow up with my nose in a book. I have changed my reading style from anything to manga and sci-fi.

As high school droned on, I stepped away from books and started my long path to board games. I ordered Ultimate Werewolf and started a game night with my friends. As school went on, people changed, and tensions grew. At the last held game night, an old friend caused me to become angry all because they were talking while I was asking if everyone wanted to play again. We haven’t had a game night since then, and it sucks. I miss them terribly. I’ve joined in on Gage’s friends D&D/game nights, but I feel out of place there, even though I’m good friends with some of them.

As months passed, my little group of friends (leftover from high school) began to play board games with me. I collected more as time went on, and now I’m even in the process of developing one, and I couldn’t be happier.


With books, I was always alone, but with games, I always seem to have at least one friend.

I hope to announce my gaming site soon, but I need more to do, so you’ll have to stick around for a bit!

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this- and if you want to know more about the game, support me via ko-fi or (when announced) follow my game site!

Have a good morning/day/night!