My Mental Health and Getting Better

I know I’ve done this post just with a different name many times, but I actually mean it this time. I have a pushing force behind me this time whose telling me what to do (boyfriend)

I’ve always had some self-confidence or self-esteem issues. I know it’s a problem, and I’ve tried working on it, but it always seems to resurface and hurt me. I can’t say I’m depressed or that I have anxiety issues. I beat myself up a lot and I worry. When I say I’ve tried fixing it, I’ve only tried talking about it. That’s it.

How I beat myself up:

  • When things go wrong, I blame myself. Thoughts like “It’s my fault.”or “I caused it.” pop in and take over.
  • I say bad things about myself. When I get into a sad mood I say stuff like “I’m dumb.” or “Who would want to be with me.” or “I’m not good at anything.” and I want to prove to myself that I’m wrong. I want to find the things I’m good at, I want to prove to myself that I’m smart. I want to live a good life.

So I want to be better. And I think talking about my feelings would get that speed bump smaller. Another big thing is living better. I want to have a clean room! I want to eat healthier! I want to exercise more! So I have a small plan leading to a bigger one overall.

  • Go through my clothes and downsize
  • Set a schedule when to clean
  • Save money by buying groceries and skip the McDonald’s
  • Set a day where I’ll exercise once a week

I’ll update you guys on my process of this, with a post every once in a while, I promise!!

I guess it’s time to start living better…

-Caitie

Mental Health Update #1

There’s a person we all want to be. Whether you become a stoner or a fitness fanatic, it’s something you worked hard on to become. The person I want to be is happy. To become the person I want to be, I have to do something about my feelings, may as well put them here, right? You guys are always here for me when I need you and you won’t shun me unless I do something REALLY stupid.

With these posts, I will be talking about the big things that affect my mental health each week. These are similar to my life update posts, but these are telling you what mentally happened to me. So, let’s get going, shall we?

1. Boyfriend and I broke up

This happened late last month, actually, but I didn’t want to announce it yet. 

So, if you’ve been following me for a while, my (ex) boyfriend and I had been dating for 5 years. Last August I moved in with him and his family when they moved. After we came back from camping, I was going through some stuff and it came out that he wanted to end the relationship. He said that he still loved me(I kind of don’t believe it), and I obviously still loved him (still do). We had to wait a couple weeks until I found a secure place to move with Bean. Last weekend I moved in with one of my best friends and her parents. He and I are still going to be friends.

Things don’t feel like that though.

Ever since I moved out, he’s been as cold and distant as ever (I expected that so don’t call me a cold-hearted bitch). I know he’s going through some issues, especially with his anxiety. But he won’t even talk to me. He only talks to the rest of our friends, which I get. He doesn’t want to see me because it hurts. But, I can’t tell if he wants to be my friend or not because he doesn’t talk to me. He doesn’t say a word to me. Any time that we had been in a car by ourselves after our breakup. it’s been dead silent.

Another thing related to this, I had a dream a couple days ago that he was already looking around for another girlfriend (which definitely hurt when I woke up) and I had noticed that he and the friend I moved in with talk more than he and I do. That somehow got into my head that they have a thing going on behind my back. I still don’t know what to believe with that.

This is turning into a rant about my ex lol.

2. Depression

This goes hand in hand with my breakup. Ever since he and I broke up, the sad little monkey on my back has returned and has been beating my brain to a pulp. It’s telling me that I will die alone or none of my friends like me, or that my ex wants me to die… Stuff like that. I can’t confirm whether these things are true or not. I don’t think I need antidepressants or therapy because I know that with time, this will heal. It has happened before. When my grandmother died, I was like this. I just need a couple months to heal this pain.

 

I know these sound very extreme, and my friends will probably be concerned, but none of my offline friends read my blog, so I should be good. I hope this didn’t depress you too much. I’m just going through heartbreak pain, I’ll be okay soon… Hopefully.

If you need anyone to talk to about important topics like these, I’m in the same boat, we could talk.

If you cannot talk to anyone with similar topics above, please do something about it. Write it down, schedule a therapy session, or use Vent. Vent is an app that you vent feelings to. Trust me, you’ll need. Even I use it. Push here to go.

Well, this ends today’s sad depressing talk about my sad depressing life. I hope you have a good day. I’m working on my depression, don’t worry too much. I’m always available to talk if you need it.

Peace out ✌

The Big Ones: Poverty Pt. 2

Previously on the last post…

My parents still live in the motorhome, and they both have a job. They just don’t earn enough to save up for an apartment in our area, and my grandpa relies on my dad to him with yard work and stuff on the “farm”.

Since this post is kinda long and I still have more to talk about, I’m going to be breaking it up into two posts.

With this being the second post to me breaking down my mental barriers, I figured I would talk about how I “got over” being poor.

This really doesn’t need to be said but If you are dealing with mental issues, please seek help. There are therapists and counselors waiting for you to be with them.

How I dealt with being poor

That’s just it. I deal with it. I moved out last summer, paid my bills with my paychecks. Got a credit card to build up my credit.

With that credit card, I bought Bean and all her essentials. I paid all of my bills on time (except for when I forgot to pay for my phone service but that’s different).

When I lost my job at the sandwich shop, I had already been looking for a new job with little success. Two or three weeks later, I got my grocery store job (where I’m at now). At the sandwich shop, I got a maximum of 12 hours a week while getting paid every two weeks. It really sucked. With my job now, I’m getting at least 12 hours a week and getting paid every Thursday.

I pay off my credit card payments with my school stipend, but since it’s summer, I pay for it with my paychecks.

How I managed to stay sane during it all

I always had hope in my head. “I’ll get out of this eventually”, and I still keep that thought. I know living paycheck to paycheck is the rest of some people lives, and I hope I’m not one of them. I have so many plans for my future. Blogging, board game creation, web development…

I also had people to lean on when I was upset. I had my boyfriend to comfort me when things were in a really bad spot. Or even to give me money when I needed it. He asked his parents to pay for me to get my permit, and on the 18th, I will have money with me when I go take my driver’s test.

Life isn’t as bad as some people make it out to be, especially when they don’t talk about their home life. 

Poverty is so very hard to deal with, but some people can break out of that spell.

I hope to be one of them.

-Caitlynne

The Big Ones: Poverty Pt .1

Sorry for the late post, I went on vacation for the holiday! I forgot to schedule it to go up while I was gone, so here I am.

Looking back, I have led a long life just in my short span of 20 years.  Most of my life has been fairly rough. To the point of me maturing early. I know this is a common thing for people nowadays, but some people just have lives like that.

To tackle my nervousness about poverty, I’ll tell you my story.

Being Poor

For as long as I can remember, my family has been paycheck-to-paycheck. I grew up hearing stories from my parents about how they lived in a one bedroom apartment with my sister (3 years older) before I was born. They moved shortly after to a 2 bedroom and then moved to where I grew up. Up until my sister moved out we shared a bedroom. In my hometown, we have lived in a total of 4 apartments (time span at each being as short as 6 months to 5 years). My parents just had bad luck with keeping one place, and they didn’t earn enough to buy a house.

For a long time, my parents worked for the state newspaper (delivering the newspapers at night) and that required them to be gone for most of the night. Well, none of our family were willing to come over and watch us at night, so my parents were forced to take us with them. We slept in the car while the walked around neighborhoods. This gave my sister and I the chance to be almost kidnapped a couple of times(the car was almost stolen those couple of times and the wouldn’t have known we were there).

At that time, they worked that and my mom worked at McDonald’s during the day while my dad sent my sister and me off to school and cleaned. I was outside playing when my mom rode up (doesn’t have her license so she rode her bike) and she had lost her job due to unfairness on her managers part. Apparently, he thought my mom was embezzling from the company. It wasn’t until she got a new job that it came out to be that it was him and his girlfriend, who just so happened to work there with my mom. She applied to another fast food place and worked there until the day it shut down(5 years).

Not too long after my mom lost her job at McDonald’s, my dad got a new job working at a Mercedes Benz dealership. This led to them leaving the state newspaper job for good.

It felt as if things were getting a little easier. My mom began to go back to school, while my dad worked. Until our neighbors overheard something private and we lost our apartment because of them. To this day, I hate her, but she’s a full can of worms that I don’t feel like opening right now lol.

So, they started looking for a new place to live. This also happened to be the point of my sister’s rebellion. She started drinking and smoking pot during middle school, but she told my parents about rape threats and she went to live with my grandma in a town over for the next school year. She came home on weekends. I guess you could blame her for us losing that apartment a couple years in. The next apartment was the biggest. My sister and I shared a room, but half the time she was with her friends, so I was “roommate”-less for a while. I reunited with an old friend, kept my then friends, and made a ton more at this apartment.

We had neighbors move upstairs from us, and they worked during the night, so they asked if we could keep it a little quiet during the day so they could sleep. We said that we would try our best but there were 2 teenagers in the house so it might’ve been a little noisy sometimes. This lady would complain about noise when no one was home and nothing was on. We had a cat who slept most of the time we were gone. The only noises she could have heard was the fridge running, the phone ring, or my hamster running on his wheel.

This was when my mom got her second job at the fast food place. But this was also when my dad lost his job at Mercedes Benz. He was looking for a job, applied, and got an interview for an electronics store, but our neighbor upstairs told management we were noisy, my parents were a little late on rent, so they were taken to court. We had to leave by August 22, 2012. Because my dad didn’t have a job, we had to move into a motorhome in my grandparents front yard. My sister was almost 17 when she moved in with her boyfriend of one year. He was almost 19.

I left these details out but their best friend died and the two of them got together. He graduated in 2011, my parents met him before she moved out and still love him dearly. I love him. Even Gage loves him, he’s good, don’t worry lol.

My parents still live in the motorhome, and they both have a job. They just don’t earn enough to save up for an apartment in our area, and my grandpa relies on my dad to him with yard work and stuff on the “farm”.

Since this post is kinda long and I still have more to talk about, I’m going to be breaking it up into two posts. I don’t know if I’m going to be doing this format with the rest of the series, but we’ll see.

I hope you guys enjoy the rest of the series. Try not to feel bad for what happened in my past, some people have it a lot worse than I did.

Comment what you think down below!

-Caitie

Mental Health: A Priority Unkept|| The Big Ones

The year after I graduated high school, two students (I didn’t know personally) commit suicide. This happens every four or five years and the only thing that the school district did was allow posters around the campus. The students were the ones to take action, with a mental health week, a club, and just talking about it. I have this one memory of my friend handing out bracelets that only said “talk about it”. I hope it was effective for her, considering the fact that she was questioning her gender at the time and also battling her case of lifelong depression.

It seems very important to be the one in charge in any situation or relationship, but sometimes, you need to put your state of mind over anything else.

Your mental health affects your everything. Your life, career… well I could go on.

Let’s talk about mental health. This could mean anything different when compared to a group of people.

I’m not a counselor or a therapist, but I’ve had my fair share and a little more of shit, and I’m ready to talk about it.

Details, details, details.

Now, I’m not going to go into my history too deep in each post, but I’ll say the big ones. You know the big ones. The pitiful reminders that created your negative side. You could think of its cousin, the little voice in your head telling you to jump in a pit of lava.

The big ones are those reminders telling you to stay the same way forever.

Every Tuesday coming forth (until I run out), I will be tackling a Big One, telling readers about how it came and how I recovered. Some of these may still be recurring, where I just can’t escape my past, but I’ll still talk about it.

Most of the will have no trigger warning, except maybe one. My life has not been that extreme.

So, I hope you join me next week for my journey to tackle the Big Ones.

-Caitlynne